That email

Have you ever felt like one moment stood still in your life?, that one moment changed someone’s life?, or maybe it changed yours?, I know we all have many of these but here’s mine…

My husband has just came home from Iraq, he was asleep. My friend Nina messaged me. When I say friend I need to tell you that we had never met but I had felt such a strong connection to her. We talked so much though. She was very upset she had just found out she was pregnant, she was 38, the father was in jail, she was living with her parents and she was going to get an abortion. This was her first baby ever. Something so deep inside of me wrote the most beautiful, compassionate, loving, accepting letter to her. I told her either way I wouldn’t judge her but her baby wasn’t a mistake and I gave her a million reasons to keep her baby in-spite of her talking about an abortion. I told her how my mom had an abortion 38 years ago and how she’s hated herself every single day since then, I told her how my mother still mourns this baby she never once held. I don’t know how but I knew this email was going to change her life and it did.

Because of me she kept her baby

Because of me she’s the happiest she’s ever been

She still thanks me to this day for writing her back that night.

Years after she had her son she told me she had planned on taking her life that night and my email changed her life.

We still talk and I struggled so many years to get pregnant the last time. I always feel in my heart and soul I was able to finally have my baby after losing two so late in pregnancy is because I helped save her baby’s life (and without me even knowing -hers) I had my baby a year after her son was born.

Just a seed…

I love it so much when seeds are planted. Not so much seeds but ideas, thoughts, dreams, goals. Even the smallest things. I have this friend named Ann I love her so much she reminds me of Kristen Wig who is my favorite actress. I especially love her on Bridesmaids. That’s my favorite movie. Well Ann would volunteer for this amazing organization called Embrace Grace and help pregnant teen mothers and teen moms, they would encourage them and love them. Whether they decided to keep their baby or put their baby up for adoption Embrace Grace would make all of these girls feel like family which I think it’s such a wonderful gift. Every single time I would read the posts Ann posted about Embrace Grace I would cry, they spoke to my soul, they made my heart happy. Even with the girls choosing adoption those girls were so brave and selfless to give their baby to a couple who had been praying for one and couldn’t have one. I got an email last week about Embrace Grace and all of these thoughts came back to me. I checked to see if there was anywhere near me that I could volunteer, that I could help love these girls and encourage them because when I was sixteen I was a teen mother. I meet them later this month to talk and the lady said I sounded so perfect for Embrace Grace. I told Ann this all started from those seeds she planted and her seeds became a tree and more seeds fell and now my very own tree is growing. I’m so excited even at just the idea of being a part of something so absolutely beautiful, uplifting and life changing!!


I had this friend back home and I just loved her so much. We hung out constantly. We talked all the time. Well I noticed she didn’t even text or call on my birthday and then I got a message from my other friend it said “did Delaney pass away?” I frantically was texting her, I saw her on Facebook messenger I was relieved. I called her, nobody answered, I was calling like some crazy ex girlfriend then her husband calls me back and he says “Amanda she’s gone” I’m yelling why didn’t he call me, what happened. She was only 37. She had two little boys. We went to school with this girl who had taken her own life last summer and Delaney was so upset over that girls boys being motherless. I was crying on the phone with her husband. I checked back with him a week later then another week after that just to check on him and the boys. He said he went on some dating app and I felt so sick to my stomach. Then he told me what kind of woman he wanted. That last week I called I asked if I could just have something of hers, anything, nothing expensive and he said “what do you want a used tampon?” He was laughing. It was by far the most hurtful thing anyone’s ever said to me and I’ve been called every name you can imagine. I understand everyone grieves different but I felt it was too soon to date but I do believe the boys will need someone to mother them and love them. As for what he said to me really there’s no excuse for that. I thought “who says that?” Oh and no funeral, no celebration of life, nothing. She had pneumonia and went to hospital then left then went back she was so stubborn. I miss her so much every single day

Blue Hair… oh my

It started off my middle daughter wanted to cut her naturally long, thick blonde hair short, then even shorter, then to a Mohawk. I was supportive, I want her to be who she is but I miss her hair. Then she wanted to dye it bright blue, I got her some dye it was only suppose to be thirty washes but it’s still blue 👀 The teenage years are the hardest for me one minute they are sweet the next it’s like Linda Blair head spinning and all. Then she is always in her room she never wants to go places or hang out with friends and she has a car. I hope things change.

One weird question

I forgot to share today and it’s late so I’ll keep this short. I went to see a new doctor today, a therapist just to have someone to talk to. My life gets messy sometimes and it’s hard for me to work through my emotions so I’m in the waiting room and this man comes out and calls my name. He reminded me of a young Desi Arnez I was expecting him to be a lot less attractive and a lot older. So we walk back to his office and he’s asking me so many questions the one that just made me laugh was he asked:

Do you identify as caucasian?

I guess it was the way he worded it or maybe the fact I’ve never been asked that in my entire life. I’m so pale, I always have been that caught me off guard. I just laughed. Yes. I do. But it was just weird to me and funny. Very strange.

Has anyone ever asked you that?

Looking for love in 5 husbands

My mom is on her fifth husband, yes fifth and five different men. She has always jumped right out of one relationship into another. She’s never found a perfect man I don’t think one even exists. I mean in reality there is no such thing as perfect it’s just an illusion we create in our mind of what we want or think it’s suppose to be like, maybe it’s from tv or even Facebook statuses which I don’t even think those are real. Don’t get me wrong I think there are some great guys out there but no man is perfect and no woman is perfect with that being said my mom picked four lemons and the one stepdad who really was great to her she just up and left, packed up what she could in her car and she was gone. No furniture, nothing. She has done that every time- left empty handed but that time broke my heart because he would call me crying over my mom and asking what had he done that was so wrong that she left him. I loved him too. He lived on the next street when my mom was married to mark, the stepdad right before Robert Then she says she’s done with men and she just wants to be alone then boom here comes some soon to be husband out of the woodwork. She met her current husband online at a site for older people which my mom isn’t that old she’s only seventeen years older than me. This guy had one son who had the most amazing manners but he was very shy or even awkward maybe both but kind of in a creepy way. He was 23 when they got married. My moms children were grown with children of their own. All moved out. Her husband was the kind of man who would get something for free then jack the price up on Craigslist outrageously to make money. He didn’t have a real job per say he worked under the table for his sister. My mom chose spending time with him over me and my brother, the grandchildren. Not that we needed to be with her or see her constantly but he was and is very controlling. Once I called her and she didn’t hang up and I heard him say “why did you answer the phone?” And my mom said “Grant that’s my daughter I haven’t talked to him in three weeks” I didn’t like him, I still don’t. It’s just my intuition, that gut feeling. Maybe even if you can’t place it that you just know and even if you don’t know why you should always trust it. So my mom told him all the things she loved like romantic cards yada, yada, yada and basically he became everything she said. My mom lived in my grandmothers house and he said she couldn’t move in until they were married I really believe this too was a way to control her once again and she was a puppet doing anything and everything to make him happy. They got married and my stepdads father said “don’t mess this up like the last one” I don’t know why but some things just stick in your mind, words especially for me and I remember the day my mom told me that. Her husband was very mean to his son I had been over there a few times and the things he said to him gave me chills, it was no doubt in my mind verbal abuse. Fast forward a few months- my mom said that day she almost didn’t go to work. Thank God she did. I don’t know many people who can say that but she can. So my mom was getting ready and his son comes in there and says he needs to talk to his dad and he goes out there. My mom leaves and here is how the story was told to me by my mom who was told this story to her by my stepdad I don’t know what was said at the hearing neither does my mom. So my stepdads sons friends stopped by the house and my stepdad said he couldn’t come out to talk to them and his son didn’t even try to go out and talk to them but he knew they were there. When I was 24 IF my mom had done that I would have just walked outside or left I don’t understand that part at all. Well I don’t understand the whole story I’m sure there’s more to this story but these are the things I know. Then my stepdad was laying on the couch taking a nap and he woke up to his son slamming open his door and straddling him on the couch he cut off his ear and was cutting his neck then he drug him to the kitchen and got out an antique ice cream scooper and took out each eyeball. After that he sliced them up on the floor. My stepdad was still alive. He took his car keys he had this vintage car I don’t even know the make or model but that doesn’t matter he was never allowed to drive it. He drove it and then crashed right into someone’s privacy fence. My mom was calling her husband all day and he wouldn’t answer which was odd because he made her call at lunch and on the way home. Then she called the neighbor and asked him to check on her husband. He found him still laying there, alive. His son had missed the arteries. He was in the hospital a few weeks it was really a miracle he survived. He still talks about his son and cries over him daily. He’s still negative and controlling. Don’t get me wrong he didn’t deserve that nobody does. But if you live through something like that wouldn’t you chose to be different or live differently I mean if you were on the edge of death and you were given a second chance?, I know he’s depressed, I know it must suck to have no eyes but Tony Robbins speaks of his friend who became a paraplegic and his wife left him and he is the most positive uplifting person who found the love of his life in-spite or facing so many obstacles i think can’t you be happy you’re alive or do anything more than sit on the couch. But thinking back all he did before was sit on the couch. I love my mom so much and she’s so incredibly strong I just wish that she loved herself instead of trying to find men to fill that void

The conversation on the way to the airport

I moved back home when my husband went to Korea, I just got an apartment with our two young daughters. I would go to my friend Delaney’s house and swim in her pool we would smoke cigarettes and drink ice cold Dr Dr Peppers. One day my ex stepbrother messaged me on Facebook and asked me if there was any way possible that I could give him a ride to the airport. I didn’t want to say yes I hate driving in that traffic but then he said that he had asked five people and nobody would and I felt really bad. We had grown up together our parents got married when we were 9 and divorced when we were 23. I was always closer to him than my own brothers. He lived down the street with his mom. I start talking about how I need to lose ten pounds and how I got a ymca membership and he says to me “I know how you can lose that in three days” my ears purked up thinking it’s some magic weight loss pill I’ve never heard of. I’m like “how?” He then says “meth” I’m thinking oh my god he didn’t just say that. I said “I’m not doing that, getting addicted and losing my children” he said “oh no you just make sure you don’t get addicted ” I thought that was the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. My dad was an addict and I think if he could have not become addicted way back when he would have. So I’m asking how this even happened he said he was on adderall then lost his job and insurance then he tried some other drug and then got to meth. It was like a spiral, a loop of getting to that. I was shocked. He said everyone is doing it, all the people from school we use to know. That shocked me too. I know he was trying to persuade me but he couldn’t because the only benefit of having a crack head dad was knowing not to mess with any of that shit, ever. I knew better. I know better and I will never do it. He told me he had just got out of prison for drugs and that he was going to get back on meth so he could slim down on the weight he gained even though he had to do drug tests. I said “why risk it” . Growing up he was so popular and his mom always dressed him so well, he had a nice new car when he turned 16. And now his life was this. I didn’t have many friends I always felt awkward and anxious and I had a baby at 16 and my first car was a crappy red car without air conditioning I had to buy myself at 18. We use to play barbies together though growing up, six flags, go to the mall, play games like “what if” I remember one he asked was “what would you do if you were pretty woman and this ugly fat guy wanted to take you out?” This was way back when that movie came out. I remember I was like “eww that’s disgusting ” but it hurt me so deeply that even though we had made a million memories together and grown up together and that he was more like my own brother that he was trying to sell me meth. I thought who does that crap???